Archive for March, 2006

Since I’ve been a daddy for just about a year now, I’ve learned how to deal with most of the various aspects of babyhood and parenthood that I once thought I would never deal with. I’ve dealt with the worst and messiest explosions of baby shit, cleaned up and washed some of the most horrendous spit-up episodes, and generally cared for a lot of disgusting things.

(three little monkeys jumping on the bed)

Yet, despite my fears, I have found a new class of annoyance, which I have gradually found that I cannot tolerate. It has taken a lot, but I think I have found my nemesis. I would like to share this with you.

(one fell off and bumped his head)

It seems that, due to a lack of creativity or design skills, many baby toy manufacturers have taken to creating toys that require (and often times include) batteries, which are used to power a small audio device. Far from useful, this nightmare creation is often programmed to play some of the most annoying sounds known to humanity.

(mama called the doctor and the doctor said)

And furthermore, the creators of said devices, these engines of damnation and accursed hell-creations, have recorded samples of what I surmise must be the voice of the MOST annoying woman on earth, and they have programmed these devices to replay her feeble attempts to sing nursery rhymes. The effect is nothing short of sheer, excruciating terror.

(no more monkeys jumping on the bed)

Apparently there are a wide variety of these devices, but one particular company is the most guilty of creating these damned abominations, which are not only wastes of perfectly good petroleum and semiconductors, but cause parents around the world to suffer from the proximity to the toys, having been mentally scarred by the curses of the Great Beast himself, as recorded through his tone-deaf minions.

(no more monkeys jumping on the bed)

Let’s not name names here, but this particular company’s name does rhyme with “Gassy” and starts with the letter “S”.

(no more monkeys jumping on the bed)

I generally do not consider myself to be a violent person, but I swear to you that if I ever meet this woman in public and identify her by her voice, I shall promptly and repeatedly punch her in the mouth and throat.

(no more monk…..) *CRUNCH*

Parents around the world, consider yourselves warned. Avoid these devices like the plague which they are! Save yourselves while some fragment of your sanity can still be rescued! If you receive one as a gift, burn it on sight!

Thank you.